In Pursuit of a Suitable Suit
As summer has been approaching, I realized I was going to have to buy some new swim suits. I am notorious for holding onto clothing until it is literally falling apart. Much to the chagrin of my partners, I still have underwear that I got when I was in grad school a decade ago. I am a frugal midwesterner and I like to get my money’s worth. But with an upcoming trip to my family’s modest lake cabin in northern Michigan, I had to admit it was time to get new summer gear, so I began the hunt.
I wanted my new purchases to reflect the personal work I had done over the last few years to accept my body and my gender fluidity. I was excited by the idea of purchasing my first pair of long board shorts and letting my queer boi out to strut in the sand. But I also wanted a suit for the femme part of me too, and thats when things got tricky. Because the femme in me was screaming “BUY A BRAZILIAN THONG”! As I sat staring at my online shopping cart, I suddenly imagined the reaction of the geriatric veterans community at the lake.
The judgment I imagined in my mind, as I pendulum swung from butch beach boi to siren goddess queen, my ass out in all its glory, was too much for my nervous system. I began to imagine the stares, the unwanted solicitations or comments about my body and identity. Did I want to open myself up to all that?
My heart began to race and I felt the familiar desire to make other people comfortable to keep myself safe. Fawning for survival is a common tool in my toolbox. I began to retreat into the familiar and cozy shell of conformity, pushing down my emotions until my nerves began to relax. It felt safer to hide than to be that bold. But it gnawed at me. I decided I needed to write about this, because I suspect far too many of us hide our personal joy for fear it might intimidate someone else, get us into trouble, or make things “uncomfortable” for others. I am reminded of a poem my dear, queer sibling sent me recently, written by the amazing Jenny Zhang.
Don’t You Get It
no one wants to see you
so in love
with who you have become
I am afraid of peoples judgment, so pushing my truth out past my skin has always been hard for me. Living in large cities most of my adult life has helped me cultivate my personal truth, find my chosen community, and live it out and proud. But when I go back to Michigan, and my family roots, I always tone it down a bit, for fear of offending or intimidating someone. And these new bathing suit choices were definitely not toning it down.
I sat for days with this annoying quandary, and thought, from my self-riotous pulpit, “I have spent the majority of my life sacrificing my joy in order to make others, who probably don’t even know I am sacrificing on their behalf, comfortable”!
And with that thought a new revelation emerged that blew my mind and shamed me deeply. What if all those people that I have imagined judging me, don’t even care? What if my own self-involvement crafted this narrative that everyone’s discomfort is stifling my authenticity, and its not true? What if I have been the person I was trying to make comfortable all these years?
I let that bit of shame really sink in, and I came to this conclusion. Regardless of whether the judgment was really coming from other people, from a story I was telling myself, or both, the point remained that it has always been my choice to deny myself my truth and happiness. In the same way that I tell myself that I am frugal, and enjoy well worn items, maybe the truth is I feel uncomfortable doing nice things for myself, like buying new clothes when I need them, or embracing something that makes me happy regardless of how others feel or view me.
So I went back to my online cart, and with a deep breath and one click I faced my fear and chose my happiness.
