Metamours and Meatballs
Little known fact. In French, metamour means leftovers. I know, I was as surprised as you to discover this bit of trivia, but I have first hand proof. Both of my long term metamours exhibit this trait. Every time either of them has date nights or sleepovers with our shared partners, they always leave a variety of delicious leftovers in the fridge. I delight in finding extra Indian food, or homemade meatballs, or pork chops topped with baby ferns in a white bean sauce, or some decadent desert one of them made, just because. It’s incredible, really. But I didn’t always know the truth about metamours, and my fridge was not always full.
In the early years of my poly journey, I was like a lot of post monogamous newbies. Hierarchy and couples privilege reigned supreme. Anyone new that came into the picture had to immediately agree to all of our set terms, otherwise they were a threat to the primary relationship, and must be disposed of quickly. There were so many rules and regulations around our opening up, to think of it now makes my head spin. Couples privilege is an incredibly difficult thing to give up, and the first few years were a real struggle, as we faced letting go of being “the one” and everything that came with that.
I understand why we started the way we did. Clear agreements are a great way for newbie poly couples to dip their toes into the non-monogamous world, and still maintain a feeling of safety and security. But the truth is, there are no guarantees of relationship success, regardless of your structure or marital status. Facing issues of possessiveness and jealousy can be very difficult, especially in the face of this destabilizing reality, so creating healthy agreements can allow for a gentle titration between the worlds, allowing the nervous system space to relax and grow and trust in a new way. The pitfalls to that, however, is that many new poly couples, lying in bed together, planning, like we did, how to best take care of each other, rarely consider how they need to take care of and make space for any future partner’s unique needs. At the time, the idea that my partner’s new girlfriend could have as much say in their relationship as I did in ours, was absurd to me. “How dare she want to have her own relationship without my input”?
Agreements that are too closed or rigid creates an othering of the new or “secondary”relationships, a coldness and a distancing that can be extremely painful for everyone involved. And so it is said, I personally believe the term “secondary” feels pejorative and othering and I no longer use the term in my private life, though it is widely accepted in general poly vocabulary, so for the sake of this article, I am using the term here.
I cringe to write this, but it took years for me to dismantle the perception of my superiority over these “secondary” women. I think that is an incredibly important thing to admit. My toxic monogamous mindset was so deeply and surprisingly engrained in me, that I often felt threatened and told myself I was bad at polyamory because I struggled with jealousy, possessiveness and a need to control my relationships. I didn’t trust anyone. But I truly didn’t want to think or treat people this way, didn’t want to be petty and cruel, and that shame was the one tool I had to chip away at my sense of seniority. You see, my heart had been closed off to these wonderful women because I perceived they were a threat to my monogamous structure. But then I realized that I, in fact, chose to abandon the structure of monogamy for freedom. I chose that, which means I can make other choices too.
If I chose to believe they were my sisters, I would never treat them as second class. They would be precious and loved. So I decided to believe that, and slowly things began to change. I was dismantling my old patterns to make space to build new ways of thinking. And as these new thought processes began to take root, I was able to see these women more clearly and was able to embrace our shared equality. Of course my partners love them! They are AMAZING! They are my SISTERS! Suddenly there was more safety in shared spaces. There was more room for all of our independent needs. My scarcity mindset was finally dissolving. And as it turns out, when I really embraced and discovered the “amor” in metamour, the truth of abundance emerged. LEFTOVERS!!!
When my heart was finally full of love instead of fear, my fridge was suddenly full too. Seeing the food, tasting the love that went into it, and feeling the joy of fullness, is all a reward for the work of seeing the person in front of me as a friend and sister rather than an enemy, of being nourished by their presence in my life, and feeling the joy and fullness of acceptance. I wish this for you all, as well. So, as they say in France, bon appétit!
If you are struggling with jealousy or other strong emotions or traumas, consider seeking out a licensed therapist in your area or a trauma informed life and relationship coach, like myself to help support your process to healing. To learn more visit https://universalethicallove.com or https://freshpathny.com/coaching/
