It Will Always Be the Journey…
At the end of each year, I make a list of determinations for the coming twelve months. I have been doing this since 2015. I don’t always reach every goal, but I do find it an interesting exercise and enjoy looking back to see how much I was able to accomplish, and how far I have come year after year. This year I determined to write a blog a month, as a way to build content for my budding coaching business. I didn’t consider myself a writer, so this undertaking was a big step for me. They say write what you know, so I figured I would draw on my own lived experience for inspiration and hopefully find a way to make it relatable and teachable to my audience. Possibly even well written, though that was yet to be determined. But the assumption was that the focus would always be the audience. What I didn’t know is how this journey would cause me to face my own demons.
Each month, as I pondered what I would write next, I kept being drawn into darker and darker corners of myself. I finally opened up about my family trauma, my negative attachment issues in my adult relationships, my queerness and gender fluid identity, my deep insecurity and struggles with polyamory, a lifetime of self loathing and ultimately my journey of trusting myself and my own authentic voice. Some of it was crap, but some of it was good and, really, I was proud of it all because I showed up and actually did what I said I was gonna do. I put it all out into the world each month to be judged and what I learned was that I was okay with that. I was abandoning, or at the very least, owning my fears and blemishes in front of everyone and allowing myself to offer whatever came, the good the bad and the ugly. All in the hopes that my struggle might inspire or help others. That alone is monumental change for a perfectionist and people pleaser like myself. I didn’t present a polished, professional coach persona like I had hoped. But what I did offer ended up being so much more valuable.
In this writing process I grew into deeper authenticity by sharing myself with you all. Instead of glossing over and putting a million filters on the work, I just wrote. Maybe that was for lack of experience, maybe it was intuition, but either way I think it brought us closer. I was humbled and honored month after month by your support and messages of comradeship. It turns out my mess was a lot of your mess too. We helped each other remember that we are not alone in this deeply painful and gloriously beautiful journey of being human.
At the close of this year I am thinking of my determinations for 2023 and all the lofty goals I have and dreams I want to pursue. It is a beautiful ritual I will likely continue for the rest of my life. But I am learning something new for myself about New Year’s resolutions. Though I accomplished this goal and many others, and find it exceedingly valuable for me, one thing I am terrible at is sitting in stillness, not doing. It is probably one of the deepest darkest corners of myself; this anxious drive to do, lest I disappear all together. Who am I when I am not doing? So one of my determinations for this new year is to attempt to do less and be quieter. How I will possibly manage that I have no earthy clue, and may fail at it utterly. But maybe not. Maybe in a world so filled with chaos and noise, one needs to step back in order to survive. If this resonates with you too, feel free to join me. It’s okay to just be where we are and it’s okay to just be who we are in this moment. It will always be the journey, and we are likely to never reach our destination, so sometimes it’s good to just sit back and enjoy the view for a moment.
So I’m leaning back and taking in the horizon. I am filling my lungs with the flow of air. I am thanking you all from the bottom of my heart and I am signing off…for now.
