Acceptance and Expansion: A Journey Through Trauma
I told myself that the November blog was going to be more light hearted. I feel like I write about a lot of heavy shit. So I was gonna take a quirky perspective on some subject or other and it was gonna be funny and informative and help people. I shall be the perfect upbeat coach! And then life happens, and tragedy strikes and abuse and trauma resurface and loneliness is consuming and I am crying so much I am literally dehydrated most of the time and isn’t this hilarious people?!?! My imposter syndrome has been screaming “how in the hell are you able to support others when you are a walking dumpster fire”? Honestly, at some point, I did begin to laugh between crying because it all just seemed comically hard and what else am I gonna do? So this month I decided I should just own my truth, practice some acceptance and share how I am using different tools and techniques to help me move through a really difficult moment in my personal life in the hopes that it may help you as well.
When I suffered violence and abandonment from someone I love, recently, my body fully shut down. I had just come home from the hospital after knee surgery and was in a physically vulnerable space when confronted with this experience. For two days after I felt totally functional and fine. Even the extreme pain from surgery seemed fine. I wasn’t even numb, it just felt like a part of me vanished. The fact that I felt this way was a huge indicator to me that something massive was actually occurring. I knew this response was tied to my childhood abuse, the feelings of helplessness, and that my body was just not ready to face that. Honestly I was grateful for that time. But I knew I was about to crack wide open.
A series of other tragedies followed, and sure enough, those emotions came flooding back in. I suddenly found myself in a tailspin. I was grieving so much and moving though a tremendously triggered space. My anxious attachment was craving for someone to save me. I felt blown apart, with such a deep desire to have the person who hurt me comfort me and hold me. I knew that wasn’t possible so I forced myself to go back to the work I started at the beginning of this year. I began the hard work of pulling the pieces of me back together and finding secure attachment to myself again. I’m going to share some of what I am doing in the hopes that it might be helpful to others out there who are facing their own traumas or heartache or loss.
If you can, cry. Cry as much as your body needs to. I find a space, everyday, and cry. This is one of the best ways to regulate your nervous system. It may seem counter intuitive to allow the feeling so much space. You may fear you will fall apart. Maybe you will for a moment. I have. But studies have shown that deliberately leaning into panic or stress, accepting it and giving it room has tremendous healing benefits. At some point, your body will stop crying, you’ll blow your nose and naturally take a deep breath. This is your body moving through grief. It is one of the best tools we naturally possess and the more you do it, the calmer your body will begin to feel. Holding back from crying only postpones the healing.
2. Touch yourself. Hold yourself in a hug, maybe even a tight one, while you sway or tap your body or even hum. Gentle repetitive motion and pressure or tapping can be a huge help to your nervous system when you feel your heart is racing or a big wave of emotion is present. These actions can also start to build a sense of safety between you and your body, where your body will begin to trust that you are there for it. Once you feel ready, sensual touch and masturbation can be a way to more deeply tap into yourself and your healing. You may cry at the release of an orgasm and that is normal. Allow your body space to feel whatever comes, and be gentle with yourself. Cherish your body and give it the gift of attention.
3. Take alone time but try not to isolate yourself. Once you’ve had a good cry and a hug, reach out to people you trust and love, or even people you haven’t been in touch with for a while. This time can be wonderful for reconnecting to people and getting out. Be honest with them about where you’re at, but don’t monopolize the conversation. Use the time to express yourself and your needs but also use the time to get out of your own head. Relish in focusing on someone else for a bit.
4. If you journal or draw, do that. Get that shit out of your head and onto paper or canvas. Free write whatever comes. Create without a goal. Let it all out. And then keep it till you don’t need it anymore. That might be days, weeks, months or even years. But once you are ready, destroy it. Burn it, cut it up or let it dissolve in a bowl of water, slowly. Make this a healing ritual for yourself. The gesture of releasing can be very cathartic.
5. If you can stand it, take a cold shower. I usually do this after I have already had my warm shower or bath. I lower the temperature gradually to allow my body to accept it. The idea is to deliberately structure a safe way to put your body into a fight or flight space and then sit inside that, allowing your body to trust that you are in control. I will even say out loud “you are safe. I’ve got you” over and over again until my body begins to accept and calm down. The cold water will activate deep breathing as a way to maintain warmth and that added oxygen, like crying will help energize and connect you more deeply to yourself. This deep breathing, made popular by Wim Hof, can be an incredibly powerful exercise, but I want to caution you to not do this unless you are ready. It is deliberately activating as a way to heal. You can learn more about Wim here https://www.wimhofmethod.com/breathing-exercises
6. Seek outside support from a professional. I immediately went back to therapy. Having an unbiased third party to support you and guide your healing is crucial. And though I am a trauma informed coach, I would suggest working with a therapist first if you are managing new or resurfaced trauma. Once you have come to terms with your circumstances and feel ready to use your healing as motivation, then a trauma informed coach, like myself, is a wonderful choice.
This month has been one of the hardest months of my adult life. I am not healed. I am in process. The truth is we may never fully heal from the fractures in our life, and being able to sit in acceptance of that is the most advanced work I have done. But it’s not all bad. This time has also helped me reflect on all the ways I subconsciously allowed my childhood trauma to affect my adult relationships. I can’t change the past but I can change what I allow and accept in my future. I am taking bold steps to absolve my sense of responsibility to people who hurt me including facing my parents and expressing hard boundaries with my father. I am holding that little person in me, who has been so hurt and afraid of not being loved because they believed they were bad and deserved the abuse they suffered. I am changing the narrative. I am ending the generational trauma in my family line. I am holding that child in me as my own, in a safe space, by a maple tree in a field in my mind. The same place I visited my son before he was born. I hug that sweet child in me and tell them they are good and beautiful and loved and we are both slowly beginning to feel safe, maybe for the first time ever.
