My Journey to Secure Attachment with Myself

Over the last several years, like so many of us, I had slowly fallen into consistent depression and anxiety. Losing the life that I had known, losing my freedom and my career, was brutal for my well-being and my sexual, mental and emotional health. I hadn’t realized how much my identity and sense of value was wrapped up in my profession. Even my daily meditation and Buddhist practice wasn’t enough to keep my demons at bay. And through a series of personal and unfortunate events, I realized that the thing I had lost the most was security in myself.

When my professional acting career was put on hold in early 2020, rather than facing that truth, and all the baggage that came with it, I quickly turned my sights on another passion in order to survive. I wanted to be a life and relationship coach, and support others as they navigated this new world and the realizations that came from slowing down. What I hadn’t anticipated was that the support I wanted to give others, I desperately needed to give to myself. I naively thought coaching would only be about other people. What I thought would be a distraction from my own dysfunctions and insecurities, became a spotlight, exposing all the things I had been trying to hide from. My growing education in neurobiology, the nervous system, body work and attachment trauma, made it impossible for me to hide from myself, and the more I tried to cling to my parters for security, the more unstable those relationships became, and the more isolated and jealous I felt.

By the end of 2021 I was on the brink of losing a parter I love very much, and though I wasn’t alone in rupturing the relationship, my insecurities made it impossible to fully repair. We both contributed to stress and drama in our other relationships as well, and without facing the need for deep changes in ourselves, we weren’t going to survive. I felt lower than low, all the while attempting to inspire and coach others toward healthy open relationships. I was a fraud, and I knew it. It was around this same time that I finally cracked open Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It had been sitting on my shelf, staring at me since the pandemic began, mostly untouched. Subconsciously, I knew there were truths in there that I wasn’t ready to face, and it wasn’t until one of my partnerships was on the brink of collapse, that I knew I couldn’t put it off anymore.

“We can make our partners into the source of our hope, love, strength, ability to feel or regulate our own emotions, as well as the source of our meaning and purpose in life. Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it. You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved”

“Being our own safe haven and secure base requires that we first have the capacity to be with our self. To sit, to listen, to be available to whatever arises within us.”

― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

I used the education from Jessica’s book to inspire my journey to secure attachment with myself. But, of course, I couldn’t simply disappear from my life. I live with one of my partners and we share the responsibilities of raising our son, and rent is due every month, so practical life obligations had to be a part of it. However, I concluded that, outside of those immediate obligations, I could work on reestablishing myself as my “go to” person. And with our recent decision to move and have separate bedrooms, I knew I could make space for myself to heal. So, I dedicate the month of January to becoming my own romantic and sexual resource, and signed up for a 4 week pelvic embodiment workshop. I spoke to my partners about my need to step away from them both so that I could focus on finding and nurturing my own sense of security, and I am happy to report that they both supported my decision and gave me the space I needed.

The first few weeks on my own were brutal. I sat with myself in a lot of loneliness and deep fear. The pelvic course exposed a sexual trauma I had been carrying my whole adult life. Somewhere along the way I began to believe that it was my obligation, as a person assigned female at birth, to be penetrated. Having no female lovers till much later in life, the hetero part of my identity assumed this perceived social role, and I often “consented” to sexual/penetrative encounters I did not want, because I didn’t want to be alone, and assumed intimacy without sex wasn’t an option. (This is not to say I haven’t had healthy sexual relationships with men, because I have, and do. Both men and women have suffered from the roles society has assigned them, and we all could use a little healing).

I began a process of rocking and crying deeply while holding myself, multiple times a day. I knew from my own coaching education that my nervous system was in freak out mode, and I was in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze with myself. I used my own resources to regulate and comfort my body when I was sensing an approaching anxiety attack. I began taking ice cold showers as a way to connect with my body in a safe space, while navigating through the fight/flight response from the water. I cried some more, I breathed deeply, and chanted to myself “you’re safe. I’ve got you” again and again, until I felt my body begin to trust me. I explored my individual sexual desire, for no one else but me, and took time to focus on internal pelvic healing, masturbation, and intimate touch. I hugged myself often, and relished sleeping alone. And then one morning I woke up, about three weeks in, and something had changed. I wrote in my journal that I felt like my “fever had broken”. For the first time in over two years, I felt clearheaded. There was a gentle sense of calm in my chest; a little seed of security that I had grown, with my own hard work. Yes, it was there. It was small and not fully formed, but it was there.

I decided to give myself one final gift as the month of January came to a close. I would take a trip, a Getaway, to the Shenandoah Mountains. I would hike the 9 mile loop of White Oak Canyon alone; a level HARD, 6 hour hike according to AllTrails. I battled some fear about this decision, to be sure. Though I’m an avid hiker, I had never attempted a solo hike that difficult and that long, and certainly never in winter. I packed well, and brought every safety provision I could, including a first-aid bag with a tourniquet and puncture wound patches. I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. It felt like a fitting compliment to my first month of 2022.

I woke at 5:45am, and headed out at sunrise. It was a hard uphill summit covered in ice and snow, much of it along a cliffs edge, for over 2.5 hours. I considered turning back several times. The now familiar feeling of fight/flight swirled inside me, as I navigated the treacherous terrain, huffing and puffing as I went. But I took my time, I was kind to my body, and I was rewarded with spectacular views and more waterfalls than I had ever seen in one hike. The power of nature thrilled and terrified me, and when I reached the summit, and stopped for lunch, the feeling of accomplishment, of doing it on my own and succeeding, overwhelmed me with gratitude. That little seed of security grew and took root in me. I am reminded of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and how at the summit of Mt. Crumpit his heart grew three sizes in an instant. It kind of felt like that.

As I made my decent down the opposite side of the mountain, the snow disappeared, the sun shone so bright I had to take off my coat, and a seeming autumn wonderland of orange and brown revealed itself. I felt like it was a gift for all my efforts. And as I began to pass the first hikers I had seen in over 4 hours, I shared the joy of the day with strangers, and wished them well, before they passed along, intent on their own journey. I completed the 6 hour hike in 4 hours and 50min, and as I drove away from White Oak Canyon, I knew the work I had done in the last month had fully taken hold in me. I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that I could depend on myself. I had succeeded in creating my own secure attachment, and I was ready to begin the next step on the journey of secure attachment in my relationships with my partners, lovers and metamours. I know the work is not done, and that it will take attention and care to maintain and grow secure attachments to myself and others. But I now have proof that I can do it, and knowing that is the key to everything.

Thank you to Blue Nyle Therapy for your gift of The Pelvic Embodiment workshop. It was illuminating and crucial to my healing. If you are interested in learning more about Blue Nyle Therapy and their Body-Led Therapies: Science with a Touch of Spirituality, you can find them at bluenyletherapy.com and follow them on Instagram @bluenyletherapy

Thank you Getaway for another incredible stay, and for the amazing staff, Alyssa, Shauna, and Pat for helping me push my car out of the mud. If you are looking for your own getaway I can’t recommend Getaway.com enough. They have many remote and beautiful locations to choose from. You can also follow them on Instagram @getawayhouse