The Power Of Jealousy
Jealousy is the worst, am I right? I confess, over the years, I have harbored a green-eyed monster who’s suspicion, insecurity and possessiveness drove my parters to the brink of madness. I guess I didn't want to be alone in the chaos. I felt out of control and just wanted someone to catch me, to shield me, to tell me I was safe. I hated that monster in me. It made me miserable, embarrassed, and just generally hateful of anyone who was happy and secure when I wasn’t. Ugh, I hated happy and secure people. They are the actual worst, am I right?
But here is the thing I have come to realize…I was wrong about jealousy. Its not a monster, its a friend. Maybe the most loyal friend I could have. I’ve given it a bad rap and I want to set the record straight. So, Hi, my name is Alyssa and this is my friend, jealousy.
Now, I’m not gonna lie, when it shows up I’m never like “Hell yeah, I love you jealousy, I hope you stay forever!” But now that I know it’s purpose, I take the feeling as a cue to pay attention. It warns me when I need more from my parters, AND it tells me when I have lost connection to my self worth. It has become a tool of intuition and self reflection, and it tells me the naked truth, whether I want to hear it or not. The kicker to all of this, however, is knowing which is which.
Before I knew about the year long affair, jealousy was screaming, “something is wrong and you need to push for the truth”. My parter told me my feelings were crazy and unwarranted, that I was the problem and that my insecurity was harming the relationship. I was gaslit for nearly a year, thinking I was going mad. But that voice in me was persistent, and the infidelity finally came out. My friend, jealousy was a bad ass, loud and loyal truth teller when no one else was. In this case, my intuition in the form of jealousy was warranted and I told myself I would never doubt that power again.
But here is the next thing I realized. The emotional trauma I endured, even though I was vindicated, left me more fearful than ever. My ability to trust in intimacy was all but obliterated. This was made all the more painful because I still desired that intimacy. Somewhere, in the smallest part of me, I still sought out that someone to catch me, to shield me, to tell me I was safe, but didn’t actually believe anyone would. Certainly not myself. I had a painful desire to trust again, but a hawkish and overactive fear of betrayal. A tug of war in me raged and burned. I became militant in my observations, suspicious of everything, wanting to love, but building stories and worlds of deceit everywhere I turned. “That’s the only way to maintain safety”, I thought. And as I made steps towards polyamory, my need for control poisoned my ability to see clearly. I had ethical and loving partners that told the truth, that protected me, respected me, and cared for my needs, but I was so insecure I couldn’t see it. My jealousy was now shedding light on my own lack of self worth. I didn’t love myself so I didn’t believe my parters when they said they loved me. I didn’t trust them when they went out on dates with other people, and I spent evenings alone in a cycle of nightmarish stories of betrayal. I would keen and grasp for someone to save me, but I only had me. Eventually I sought out therapy, with their support, and began to regain some clarity, which I am eternally grateful for. And to my parters credit, they never changed their plans when they saw me struggling. They asked me what I needed to feel safe before they left, they agreed to reasonable requests, and then happily went on their dates. I can’t tell you how much I hated it at the time. But this was fertile ground for self-growth, and they left me to water it with my tears, knowing, even if I didn’t, that I had the capacity to nurture something beautiful in me.
It hasn’t been an easy journey, and as I said, I don’t look forward to my visits with jealousy. But I do recognize their worth. It’s like the old Buddhist proverb that says, in the face of suffering, the wise rejoice and the fools retreat. It’s that fertile ground my parters left me to; the work is never done but I continue to reap seasons of plentiful harvests. And though this is focused primarily on jealousy in relationships, this awareness can apply to all facets of life. Jealousy, envy, or discontent will tell you when your not being appreciated or considered, and can help push you to stand up for what you deserve. And these same feelings will help show you when you are counting someone else’s fortune and not paying enough attention to building your own.
I encourage you to embrace your jealousy as the loyal friend it a can be. Use it for good. Listen to what is says and be discerning and honest about what its telling you. Lastly, jealousy is an emotion not a thought. So seek clarity in your body not your mind. Sit quietly with yourself for ten or twenty minutes, listening to the jealousy in your body, and ask with gentle non-judgment, “what do you have to tell me? I will listen and welcome the answer, even if its just quietly between us for now.”
If you are struggling with jealousy or other strong emotions or traumas, consider seeking out a licensed therapist in your area or a trauma informed life and relationship coach, like myself to help support your process to healing.
