Polyamory and Parenting: 5 Do’s and Don’ts

Talking about or advising about parenting as a polyamorous person, is a job I take seriously, but that I am also wary about. Every month for the last three months I have written down “parenting” as my next topic. And every month I chicken out and kick it down the road. It’s a topic that is very important to me, but like most everything I write, it comes from my lived experience, such as it is. And just like parenting, there is no book, or blog, or advisor that can fully prepare you for the individual experience of talking about polyamory with your own kids. My opinions are pulled from my own lived experience, and my professional education. And though I feel I have wisdom to share, each family has to make the decisions that are best for them. I have one child, who was two when his dad and I began our poly journey, and that puts me in a privileged position. This is all he has ever known, and as of yet, hasn’t questioned it. I am fortunate and I recognize not everyone is in that position, and maybe that’s the root of my procrastination. Who the hell am I to talk and advise about polyamorous parenting??? That all being said, I do think there are some fundamentals I have picked up that can be useful no matter the age, number of kids you may have, or the way you are doing polyamory. So here is a quick list of my Top 5 do’s and don’ts for polyamorous parents. Take it if it feels helpful, and if not, do what’s best for you.

1. DON’T LIE TO YOUR KIDS. TELL THE TRUTH.

I know I might be ruffling a few feathers with tip number one, but hear me out, ESPECIALLY if you’re still living with your kids as a couple. Kids are observant. It’s their main job as kids. Their body and mind is always soaking up information, whether consciously or not, for purposes of survival and social connection. And if you think they aren’t aware that something is shifting in your relationship structure, I’d say you’re probably wrong. Because of this, it can become confusing and stressful on a kid to be picking up clues on your poly relationships and then be deliberately misdirected back to monogamy.

You have the potential of gaslighting your own kids, and inadvertently teaching them that what you’re doing is somehow shameful and needs to be hidden. And I get it. Maybe you’re not ready to be out, maybe you don’t want to scare your kids. Maybe you even have some wild notion that if you tell them, you think you have to tell them everything. Which you definitely do not. No kid needs to know the ins and outs of your private relationships, but they should know about who is around and what their place is in their life. Many people are concerned about the sexual stuff when it comes to talking to kids about polyamory, and honesty that never made sense to me. If I was monogamous, my kid wouldn’t know the details about my sex life with his dad, so why would he ever know details about my sex life with my partners? Telling the truth from an age appropriate perspective can go a long way to building and maintaining trust with your kids.

2. DON’T ASK YOUR KIDS TO LIE FOR YOU. HONOR REQUESTS FROM THEM.

  Another tough one. So now that you have taken the step to be honest with your kids, how do you control who they tell? Here’s the simple answer. You can’t. And you can’t, ethically, ask them to lie for you. I have never told my kid not tell his teacher or friends about mommy and daddy and their partners. The truth is, he may tell them and my only defense is raising a kid who people see is happy, respectful and secure within his family. So how do you create security and happiness? I try to be as clear as possible, and answer any questions, that way he is equipped to talk about it in case someone asks. For example, last year, when we moved closer to my partner, he would pick my son up from school from time to time. My son requested that we establish a parental title for my partner so he could easily answer when his friends or teachers would ask who he was. Now that my son has a way to define him for others, as a family member, he’s comfortable.

We have had some concerned adults over the years, and it should be noted that, as of now, there are no federally established legal rights for polyamorous parents. There are some states, including California, Washington, Louisiana, and Rhode Island that have explicitly recognized the families with multiple parents, such as step-families, adoptive families, and families with CNM parents, but that leaves out the fast majority of us. There is inherant risk in all of this and one should be aware of that when making decisions. But we are fortunate that, overtime, we have shown these concerned adults that this structure is not so different from one in which multiple family members raise the kids, or say, how a close knit neighborhood watches out for each other’s children. If they are old enough to have a deeper conversation, you can request discretion and explain why, but asking your kids to be responsible for your secrets is unethical and unfair, in my opinion. The good news is that kids today live in a world where there are FAR more examples of non-traditional relationships and identities. They are learning, whether at home or socially, that sexuality, gender and relationships are much more fluid than our generation was taught. So help them get clear and then give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. DON’T BRING CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS HOME. THINK ABOUT POTENTIAL BONDS.

This is a big one for me and here is why. If your kid meets a new casual partner, and bonds with that partner before you even know if you want that person around long term, then things can get messy fast. If you’ve got major NRE happening, your kid is going to pick up on that joy and assume this is a person to invest in. If that person suddenly vanishes weeks later, or they decide they don’t want the responsibility of investing in your child, what happens to the relationship your kid made with them? When you bring a new romantic person into the home you need to think about what kind of relationship your kid might want to have with them,  and if this new person wants that as well. If you’re not ready for them to have a potential relationship, don’t bring them home.

4. JUST BECAUSE YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE, DOESN’T MEAN YOUR KID HAS TO

This one is tricky and I know there are a million factors as to why it may be necessary to sever a relationship with a former parter and your kid(s). That being said, I think its important to not assume that if your relationship ends, that it automatically means your kid loses that relationship too. Many devoted partnerships end or transition, and no one should be afraid to step away from something that is no longer working. But if your child has a healthy chosen family bond with your previous parter, it would be cruel to take that from them. It would be like saying “your dad and I are getting divorced and you’re never allowed to see him again”. What? That’s ludicrous. Unless there is danger or the child’s safety is at risk, you need to responsibly talk about what kind of relationship, if any, your former partner and your kid(s) would like to continue to have together.

5. BE HONEST, ASSUME THEY’LL GET IT, CONSIDER THEIR FEELINGS

This may seem more elusive if you have an teenager, but most kids like being included in the day to day of the family. Maybe they wrinkle their nose at chores or certain responsibilities, but being asked for their input on family matters can bring a sense of ownership and teamwork to the family dynamic. Trusting your kids with your truth can be a real gift to them because then they get to make informed requests about what they need, too. My son made a request last year that if his father or I are not going to be home in the morning, because we stayed at a partners house, we let him know the night before. He had had hurt feelings multiple times when he went looking for one of us in the morning and we weren’t there. It was a brutal lesson. It seems so obvious, but until the request was explicitly made by him, we were never consistent about letting him know when we would be gone. We were still operating like he was a baby, coming and going without consulting him. We would always be sure that one of us was there, obviously, but we figured that was enough. Nope. I was so proud of him and us. He had the tools and the information to make a personal request that made him feel seen and considered, and that built security for him. What a gift. Now, if my partners asks me if I want to sleepover, but my kid has already gone to bed, I say “I didn’t let him know I would be gone in the morning, so I can’t tonight”.

In conclusion. Establishing trust with your kids is one of the most crucial parts of parenting, no matter if you’re monogamous or polyamorous. Yes, you’re making the rules and setting the structure, but if you’re not operating with transparency, you are likely creating confusion rather than safety and clarity for your kids. Talking about your polyamory with them, allowing them space to ask questions and introducing them to other adults who want to invest in their wellbeing simply means more people around to laugh and love and support each other. At least in my humble opinion.

If you need support in taking the first steps to coming out to your kids, I encourage you to seek support from a poly friendly Certified Professional Coach like myself, or a licensed therapist. If you would like to schedule a free 30min consultation to discuss opening up to your kids about your polyamory you can reach me at alyssa@freshpathny.com or find me on Pensight at https://pensight.com/x/alyssakeegan or follow the link below.