Finding Community by Finding Myself.

This year has been devoted to my internal community, leaning in to my personal fears and discomfort and having talks with the pieces of myself that have formed the image of my reality; the little child piece, the defender piece, the protector piece, all parts of the bigger puzzle that is me. I took it all apart and explored my attachment traumas, my pelvis, my non-binary queer identity, my desires and fears around sex and kink, healing through pleasure and generally dismantling my learned and toxic social education. My puzzle was coming back together, forming a new image. With of all this internal shifting, I began to desire a new external community that would understand and support these efforts. It’s part of why I determined to write and post these blogs each month. I’m forcing myself to push past my skin and share my authenticity with you all, no matter how loud my judgmental pieces are, in the hopes of building a broader circle, more opportunities to serve and deeper intimacy with people without the tendency toward over commitment.

In my life I have been a commitment addict, I think, as a way to quiet those pesky voices in me. “I’m sorry I can’t listen to you right now, I’m putting all my energy into crafting a perfect version of myself for someone else”. The depth of “love” that I poured into those close to me seemed to leave little time for self reflection or more casual encounters. Loving deeply isn’t bad or wrong, but for me I wasn’t really loving and I needed to learn that. Having unhealthy and limiting relationships while trying to support a larger non-monogamous population as a coach, with only my personal and flawed experience to draw from, seemed glaringly hypocritical in my opinion.

I wanted to learn how to invest in more casual relationships, healthier boundaries and more sexual energy without getting too deeply attached or depleted. It seemed so easy for some, so it must be possible, right? But my fear was always “you’re going to get too close to me and fall in love with me because people fall in love with me because I am a master at pleasing people and I don’t have time for that and who am I kidding I’ll probably fall in love with you too because I am deeply self loathing and seeking validation and definitely don’t have time to deal with THAT and then I am going to break your heart or disappoint you because I’m not actually as awesome or available as I come off and the shame of codependency will suffocate me and then we will never talk again so lets just not”. I’m sitting here shaking my head at the utter ridiculousness and mostly truth of that thought vomit. I had been so unwilling to heal my internal spaces so there was no way to be consistently health in external relationships. I think I tend towards being a loner and struggle with community because I don’t want to disappoint people.

But as I have continued to take deliberate steps to heal and shift my reality, a truly mystic thing is beginning to happen. As I open myself up in thoughts, words and actions to the person I truly am, not the curated version, and the connections I really want, not the ones I am told I should want, I am simultaneously drawing people to myself in ways that feel healing and healthy and most importantly not codependent. As a practicing Buddhist, this concept of cause and effect, or karma isn’t new to me, but it’s amazing how powerful it actually is once you accept your responsibility to it. I am accepting my responsibility.

In the last year I am happy to say that I have begun to transform my perspective on community and relationships. I have made many new casual but intimate friends, gained many new clients, broadened my poly and non-monogamous groups, established wonderful and nourishing relationships with people in the kink and queer community, and have been approached to do multiple podcasts to talk about my practice, the work I do and how I want to continue to grow with you all. And the craziest part is that I feel energized, not taxed by these new connections. I have made more deliberate space for my truth, which has allowed much more room for genuine relationships with others. As it turns out, living authentically is way easier than living a lie, you just have to get passed the growing pains. I tell my clients this all the time. If you really want change you have to believe its possible, even if you can’t see how, and lean in to the discomfort of getting to know yourself as the first step. I have to listen to my little piece, my protective piece, my defensive piece and let them all know I hear them, respect what they have to say, and assure them they have an important part to play in this puzzle, while also making room to hear other pieces of myself, my Healer, my Goddex, my Peacemaker, and I am getting there. A new image is emerging, with contributions from you all. Thanks for being part of my community.

If the work I do resonates with you, whether you are monogamous, polyamorous or other, I encourage you to check out my website at universalethicallove.com and reach out to schedule a free 30min consultation to discuss how you can embrace your fully authentic self with me as your guide. You can reach me at alyssa@freshpathny.com ,or find me on Pensight at https://pensight.com/x/alyssakeegan