Are Your Relationships a Choice, or an Assumption?

When we say to someone that we love, “I choose you”, I wonder…how often do we come back to that choice after it has escaped our lips? When I was still living in the strictly monogamous world, I rarely considered that choice once it had been made. You’re with me, I’m with you, the decision has been made and thats that. Now I can relax, because I have found my person who will always be there, (unless we break up but I’m not gonna think about that) and I can finally stop doing sit-ups. Except I never stopped doing sit-ups because I was actually constantly terrified that they would leave me, and I figured tight abs would keep them around. None of this was really kind or conscious and it certainly wasn’t about deliberately choosing my partner with any consistency. It was about not being alone and the fear that came with that potential.

Once I introduced polyamory into my life, and all the skills that I needed to sustain it, like better communication, discernment about who I engaged with, deeper self reflection, boundaries and so on, the idea of choice became more conscious. That being said, the idea of truly choosing my partners every day, was not, and is not something I am particularly good at. Because my driving force, whether I want to admit it, is often not “how can I help make this relationship thrive?” but rather “I don’t want to be alone”. Once I lock down “commitment” from a partner, I tend to assume, more than not, that they will just be there. I would fare to bet that most of you can relate to this, and that is understandable. We are all holding so much, personally and globally. In the midst of so much chaos, and being pulled so thin, how often do we take the time to evaluate our level of satisfaction with our partner(s)? In a perfect world we might deliberately open our eyes each morning and say “yes I choose you”. But we don’t live in a perfect word. Perfect is an illusion. Does that mean we shouldn’t think about this at all? What if we could do a yearly, or dare I say quarterly review of our relationships? How might the quality of our connections improve if we actually took some time to ask how satisfied we all were and if we want to continue?

I recently sent a coaching evaluation to a client, to asses his level of satisfaction with our relationship and whether he would like to continue working with me. It was then that I came up with an idea. What if there was a partnership evaluation that could do the same thing; asses levels of satisfaction, ways in which the relationship is successful, where there could be improvement, and whether they would like to choose to continue the partnership. So I decided to create one. And as soon as I did, I got a knot in my stomach the size of a basketball because the thought of actually giving this to MY partners, and filling it out MYSELF, felt beyond daunting; like balancing my budget after hiding from it for the last 8 months. Ugh. But here is the thing. That feeling of wanting to run away is exactly why I am going to encourage us to do this. It’s an experiment. Are we willing to live in consciously chosen relationships? Or will we all get a print out and struggle to do it because we are actually too damn afraid, or busy to make our connections a priority, preferring to assume they will always be there? There is undeniable and useful information in that struggle. If you want to do this, too, commit to it and encourage your partner(s) to do the same. I believe a great deal of insight will manifest from the work, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. If your partner doesn’t want to participate, you can’t force them. In that case, do it for you. Don’t let them stop you. You’ll gain insight either way and can make a more educated choice about this person and relationship based on that information. At the end of the day that’s what we are working towards.

Partner Evaluation Worksheet

These questions are also available as a downloadable and printable PDF in the link at the end of this post

Do this exercise with as many parters as you would like, depending on your structure. But fill out one questionnaire for each person. (For example: If you are in a triad with Becky and Peter, fill out an evaluation for each of them separately). Print out as many as you need! Take your time to complete this evaluation, but agree on a date and time to share your responses with each partner.  Commit to it like you would a work deadline. Put it in the calendar and hold yourself accountable to the work. You may share your answers privately or decide to bring your responses into a coaching or therapy session.

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your current relationship with ?

(1 being least satisfied and 10 being most satisfied)

2. What are some things you personally enjoy about the relationship?

3.   What are some ways your partner positively contributes to this relationship?

4. What are some thing you struggle with in your relationship dynamic?

5. What are some things your partner could do to improve your relationship dynamic?

6 . Would you like to continue to choose to be with your parter?

7. If yes, what, if any, hopes or plans do you have regarding the relationship?

8. What is one gesture in word or action that your partner could incorporate that would make you feel particularly seen and cared for?

9. If you would not like to continue to choose the partnership, are you willing to talk about a respectful and loving relationship transition and what that might look like for you both?

10. Is there anything else you would like to say?